Power: Energy Projection
Source: YellowBamboo.com

Let me try to explain this in terms you can understand: YellowBamboo.com is the damn face-rockingest website ever. For only 10 dollars you get four videos of a man waving his arms around and a one-page guide that teaches you to unleash unseen tai chi phaser blasts. Plus, you get a video of a practical power demonstration where four lunatics on a beach scream and charge at a man who knocks them all into sand by putting up his hands and going, “AGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!” I admit that it almost seems staged, since two of the attackers gently lower themselves to the ground before the man even moves, and the other two fall exactly how a six-year-old would if you told him to pretend he got hit by magic. But if it’s fake, how do you explain how none of them can move until another man comes over and waves his hand over their forehead? That’s the sound of checkmate, skeptics.

Yellow Bamboo training:I’ve completed the training for Yellow Bamboo, and for reasons known only to mystery, I’m not going to tell you how powerful my unseen forceblasts are. But tell you what, run at me screaming and see what happens. I just hope you bring a jar with you so there’ll be something to carry you home in. To reach my level of kickass, first you have to eat only white rice for a whole day and spend 30 minutes reciting your mantras between the hours of 8pm and Midnight. It’s best to not cheat on this, as you are dealing with powers beyond reason. Next, the instructions call for the following: “While you inhale, imagine you are vacuuming in a bright red fire through the top of your head.” Holy crap, consider it done!

Next, imagine your skin peeling off to reveal white meat. Then ask forgiveness from your creator for each individual part of your body that has done wrong. Even though my body parts tend to engage in naughtiness as a team, I apologized for each of them on their own, just in case. After this, imagine yourself disappearing, then dressed in white and flying through the sky. While you’re up there, look down and apologize to all living things you’ve wronged. Now imagine appearing before your creator. Since by this point you’re flying skinless and invisible with flames all over your head, you might want to imagine up some infrared goggles and an asbestos suit for your creator’s safety. Here’s the great part: While you’re there with your creator, you’re allowed to ask Him or Her for any gift you’d like, but let me tell you something: If you pick anything other than the ability to shoot tai chi energy blasts at your friends, you’re a total wuss.